So...I feel as though I'm simealtaneously gaining the whole world...and losing everything.

Time for me to commit an ultimate crime, IE: posting about issues and problems here...but seeing as I have no telephone, and therefore no other way to talk to anyone...I feel slightly less retarded.

I'm learning time and time again...that I belong with people...or maybe it's the other way around. Every time...everytime I've let myself feel close to someone...feel attached or any other positive feeling...it always ends up being in vain. But I keep doing it. Somewhere I think I have this vauge notion that somwhere in the world, there's one day going to be someone that I can talk to, that I can care for...someone who wants to see me and be around me as much as I want them...Someone that WON'T screw me over and treat me like shit

....Because that's what always happens...either that, or...y'know, I practically made the person up...and they never really existed anyway, let alone gave me any real thought. I let them do it to me really...I always have...I wonder if I'll keep doing it...What's my problem.

I'm not sure why I think I deserve friends really. Since apparently I have such great and powerful emotional needs, and such emormous expectations....I mean honestly, I actually ask my friends to spend time with me and not treat me bad...I know that's asking alot...but...I dunno...9_9 I always get stuck with people...that treat me bad. Maybe I'm subconciously looking for it...since somewhere, I feel like I deserve it...*sigh*
I'm running bare-bones low on 'friends' (meaning...people who I can talk to and share anything with...even personal stuff...) and I actually don't really have ANYONE that's close by...so I can't even hang out with aquaintences...

Anyway, I'm going to Job Corps orientation tommorow, and that'll get me started on a "life" I guess...maybe all that nonsense will distract me from the fact that I just lost...well, pretty much all of my previous "best friends"...(Which isn't to say that I'm not grateful for the friends I have...not at all...it's just hard to lose someone (or a few someones) who you really loved and cared about...after discovering that they really couldn't give a shit about you....) Maybe job corps will keep me so busy I don't have to think about "life" which...I'm just about entirely tired of living...(blah blah emo drama drama...)

I've just been crying over fucking eveyrthing these days...even just small issues...I feel like I've done nothing but cry since I've gotten back in GA from my trip to TX..

Anyway, that's all for now. Hopefully a less "oh god listen to me whine" journal will follow this one.